Fantasy & Responsibility
by Kae Martyndale
Summary: The story to follow is inspired by the film Becoming Jane. This fiction revolves around Tom Lefroy. It takes place after the failed elopement between Tom and Jane. Tom is currently engaged to Mary Paul.
1. Chapter 1

_The story to follow is inspired by the film Becoming Jane. This fiction revolves around Tom Lefroy. __It takes place after the failed elopement between Tom and Jane. Tom is currently engaged to Mary Paul._

**Fantasy & Responsibility**

**Chapter One**

The window was encircled with frost and let in the cold January draft. Each monotonous exhale added a misty fog to the glass. Beyond the window the world seemed to lay in a timeless frozen hibernation. The nights were slowly growing longer as day continually turned to night in an endless parade of empty tomorrows. Thomas placed his shivering fingers on the frozen pane of glass. He mindlessly traced the frosty surface with his fingertips. With each successive finger wipe, an increasing view of the frigid Irish countryside was revealed. But Thomas was uninterested in the panorama on display beyond the glass. He was not enjoying the touch of the cool glass under his fingers or the soft velvet cushion on which he sat. The only thing that Thomas could feel or think about was the dull ache in his head and the sharp pain in his chest. He felt more hollow and frozen than the scene that was displayed beyond his gaze. His mind was dizzy and spinning with an endless string of pointed thoughts.

Thomas felt that he was at war with the conflicting thoughts that resided in his mind. He could not sleep, read or think clearly without the pressuring influence of his heavy mind. He tried to distract himself by entertaining friends, staying out late and drinking a little more than he should. But no matter how hard he tried; he could not shake the heavy burden that sat firmly upon him. He felt as if he was occupying an increasingly smaller place, one that was constantly sandwiched between fantasy and reality. He was currently living in the dull morning light of reality, or at least trying to do so, anyway. He was trying to keep his mind focused on his duties to his job, and his family. He was trying to convince himself that he was being gallant by being the responsible one. However, Thomas had never felt less gallant or focused. He felt more as though he was horse dung that was smeared along the road by a passing parade of elephants.

Every morning Thomas had to force himself to awaken and pry himself out of his warm bed. Each new dawn he had to consciously choose to face the reality that the morning light would bring, and leave behind the comfort and warmth of his dream world. A fantasy land that was occupied by a beautiful young maiden and in which love conquered all. He knew that growing up, being ethical and responsible meant that he was meant to leave his daydreams behind. However, he also didn't think that he could survive the harsh light of reality without the soft, luxurious pillow of fantasy to lull him to sleep each night.


	2. Chapter 2

_The story to follow is inspired by the film Becoming Jane. This fiction revolves around Tom Lefroy. _

_It takes place after the failed elopement between Tom and Jane. Tom is currently engaged to Mary Paul._

**Fantasy & Responsibility**

**Chapter 2**

Thomas' heavy eye-lids fluttered open at the first light of dawn. He lay in bed with his eyes slightly open and listened to the soft twitter of the birds beyond his windows. He used to love listening to the optimistic song of the birds, but now he felt close to cursing them every morning. Thomas pulled his covers over his head and tried to block out the noise and sunlight. He lay for several minutes with his face buried beneath the softness of his covers. However, Thomas' hiding from the light didn't seem to stop it from being there and beckoning him to rise and join the morning. Thomas grudgingly pulled the down covers from his face, and rose slowly. He sat on the bed, and ever so slowly placed each foot upon the floor. It was as if he would be swallowed whole if his feet hit the cold wood below him.

There was a soft knock upon the door, and Thomas barely had a moment to process this presence, when the door was flung open in haste. Thomas's normally docile footman entered the room carrying a cup of tea. Edmund placed the tea on the night-table with such vigor that the warm brown liquid sloshed and almost spilled in his rapidity.

"Excuse me, sir… You are to meet Miss Mary Paul this morning, sir. I trust you have not forgotten" Edmund said hesitantly.

"Of course not!" replied Thomas.

However, Thomas had indeed forgotten his prior engagement with Miss Mary Paul. They had previously planned on finalizing the remaining wedding plans. How could he forget the wedding? Thomas had agreed to marry Miss Mary Paul. He had decided to do the noble and respectable thing by marrying a woman who could ensure his family's financial success. If he married her, he would no longer have to worry about the future of himself or his family. However, this certain future, though reliable, was becoming increasingly apparent as a future that Tom did not want for himself. Mary was a kind, beautiful, steady and generous woman who could ensure that he would be able to have a respectable, secure family. However, Thomas couldn't help but feeling this sense of lingering wonder for what else his life could be. His head was full of what ifs from his past that he could not shake. At first, Thomas thought that he would be able to manage the sacrifice of his desires, for a secure base for the benefit of his family. However, as the wedding date crept increasingly near, the more unsettled and unsure Thomas became. He was becoming alarming anxious as the days wore away between him and his eventual marriage. He felt as though he was only a whisper of the confident, intelligent, effective man he used to be.

Thomas felt petrified of the idea of promising forever to Miss Mary Paul. At first, he thought it was just 'cold feet' and that he would warm to the idea over time. But, time had passed, and he was still afraid of agreeing to such a lengthy contract of convenience. And, he couldn't shake the memory of a time when promising himself to a woman forever did not invoke anxiety, but excitement, recklessness and passion. But, this was not a memory of _this _woman, this kind, respectable woman, but instead the woman who had captured his heart a number of years ago and had never softened her grasp. Thomas found himself longing for the days in which life-altering decisions were made on gut feeling and emotion, than a lengthy comparison of the pros and cons of a situation. Thomas' head was full of this spinning decision-making, and missed the roar of his heart leading the way.


	3. Chapter 3

_The story to follow is inspired by the film Becoming Jane. This fiction revolves around Tom Lefroy. _

_It takes place after the failed elopement between Tom and Jane. Tom is currently engaged to Mary Paul._

**Fantasy & Responsibility**

**Chapter 3**

Thomas was seated in a drafty carriage. He felt the chill of the cold January morning biting down to his bones. He pulled his coat tighter around himself and crossed his arms to keep out the cold.

"Cold, damp, drafty… I can feel every bump through my bones…" he muttered disapprovingly to himself. "I'm in a wintry hell".

Thomas could not stop his mind from playing over and over on his disadvantaged situation. He had thought that he would have accepted his fate by now, but Thomas had not even begun to do so. He could not accept that at such a young age he would be resigning any hope of happiness that lay ahead of him. By continuing with this marriage scheme, he would be moving even further away from the woman that he truly loved.

Jane. It had been years since they had parted ways, but he still could not help thinking about her. When it came to Jane, things were always bitter-sweet. He thought about her beauty, intelligence and wit. But when he did so, he could not help but remember the pain and the loss that he felt without her. Thomas' thoughts darkened as he ruminated further on his lost love.

Suddenly, the old wooden carriage jolted backwards, sending Thomas out of his seat and flying clear across the compartment. Rumpled and sore, Thomas pushed himself up from the carriage floor, and looked around curiously.

The carriage door creaked open, and a young man pushed his freckled face into the cab.

"Are you alright, sir?" the youth inquired anxiously.

"Aye. Just a few bumps and bruises." Thomas replied reassuringly.

"It seems as though we've broken a wheel, sir," the young man added.

Tired, cold and disgruntled, Tom slowly removed himself from the carriage compartment. He looked around carefully to survey the damage. Seeing that the wheel as beyond repair, Thomas sent his footman back to his home, while Thomas mounted the horse and rode on ahead.


	4. Chapter 4

_The story to follow is inspired by the film Becoming Jane. This fiction revolves around Tom Lefroy. _

_It takes place after the failed elopement between Tom and Jane. Tom is currently engaged to Mary Paul._

**Fantasy & Responsibility**

**Chapter Four**

The cold January morning turned into an even colder January afternoon. The clear blue skies had darkened, and a torrent of freezing rain splattered the ground. Thomas' previously rather grim mood had been growing increasingly despondent by the minute. Thomas had already travelled a significant length of his journey, so turning back and returning home now was impossible. He simply had to keep going and get to Miss Mary Paul's as soon as possible.

As Thomas rode the wind nipped around him in great gales. He had to exert himself simply to remain upright on his horse. Thomas was frozen, exhausted and depressed. He could not maintain his concentration for long, and he soon had allowed his mind to wander a great deal. No matter how much Thomas tried to force it from his mind, he continued to find himself at an impasse. He could not marry Miss Mary Paul. It was not fair to himself, or to her. How would she feel if she knew that she was always to be second best? Thomas continued to ponder this conclusion for sometime while he tried to figure out the best way to tell a woman to whom you are engaged that, in fact, you cannot marry her. This inevitability weighed heavy on Thomas for some time.

As Thomas rode though the freezing-rain and pondered his situation, he had totally lost touch with the reality of what was occurring around him. He had failed to pay attention to where he was or where he was going. Thomas found himself on a small muddy path which wound its way though a dim, deserted forest.

Suddenly, Thomas realized he had no idea where he was, and began to panic a little. He searched to the left, and to the right, and discovered that neither path would take him towards the house of Mary Paul. Despondent, and discouraged, Thomas began to turn his horse around and return the way he had come.


	5. Chapter 5

_The story to follow is inspired by the film Becoming Jane. This fiction revolves around Tom Lefroy. _

_It takes place after the failed elopement between Tom and Jane. Tom is currently engaged to Mary Paul._

**Fantasy & Responsibility**

**Chapter Five**

Miss Mary Paul heard her soft footsteps on the cold wooden floor as she anxiously paced back and forth in front of the foggy window in the sitting room. Her pale blue muslin gown fluttered gracefully in her wake. Mary had absent-mindedly twirled her hair to the extent in which it was almost in knots. She had been occupied as such for almost two hours.

Mary occasionally ceased pacing, and would wipe the foggy glass with her slender fingertips. She would put her nose to the cool windowpane, and peer expectantly through the torrent of freezing rain and down the laneway. Once she had determined that the laneway was still empty, she would resume pacing and muttering to herself.

Mary was distraught. Thomas was supposed to be at her house hours ago. She could not help but allow her mind to entertain the many fates that could have befallen him. Perhaps he has fallen from his horse? Maybe bandits abducted him? Perhaps he has gotten lost?

However, there was one thought, which she refused to consciously entertain, but she could still feel it lingering within her. She could not shake this cold uncomfortable feeling that he had consciously chosen not to come and see her. That he had decided not to marry her, after all. Mary tried to force this unwelcome thought from her mind. She knew that Thomas was a reliable, honorable man. He would not rescind his promise to her. At least, she didn't think so. However, she could not help but remember Thomas' behavior as late. He had been increasingly cold and distant from her. She had thought that it was just 'cold feet' regarding the approaching wedding, but the date was creeping alarmingly near, and he still did not seem to be warming to the idea.

Mary had, at first, agreed to marry Thomas because her family had wanted her to do so. However, as the years wore on during their engagement, Thomas had grown on her. Mary had recently discovered that she truly did love this man. She was a practical woman, and did not need Thomas to be desperately in love with her. However, she still couldn't help but feel empty when she thought about the possibility that Thomas may not actually want to marry her. It was a chilling thought.

As Mary was mulling over these distressing ideas, she heard the soft hoof-beats of a horse coming down the laneway towards the house. Mary jumped towards the window, and peered out through the foggy glass. She could see the dark outline of Thomas riding towards the house.

"He has come at last!" she exclaimed, and ran towards the door, flinging it open wildly, and running outside into the cold icy rain.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

Mary was perched expectantly on a red silk chair. She had been staring at the solid mahogany door in front of her for at least a half hour. She felt impatient listening to the ticking of the large clock down the hallway. Tick, tick, tick. Each sound frayed her nerves and made her twitch. Mary could hear soft muffled sounds coming from behind the door. She could distinguish the two male voices but could not make out the words. Mary would have to continue to wait. She tried in vain to keep her swirling thoughts away from exploring the fear and anxiety that continued to rise inside her. She felt as if she waited one moment longer she would explode into a million separate pieces.

Mary heard the voices get louder, and she heard creaky foot steps from the wooden floor in the room in front of her. She also heard the turning of a old metal door knob. Mary rose from her satin chair in expectation, as the dark wooden door in front of her opened, and two gentlemen came into the hallway. Mary looked at the men anxiously.

"He still has a fever, but I think he's through the worst part. There is hope in that. I will return in the morning." declared Dr. Farrell. Mary's father nodded in reply and began to walk with the doctor down the long green hallway towards the front door. Mary used this moment as an opportunity to sneak into the guest room and check on her patient.

The large canopy bed was situated at the far end of the room. The doctor had closed the windows and shutters tightly to prevent bad air from coming in. Mary peered into the stuffy darkness, and walked to the bed cautiously. Mary rose her hand, and gently touched the forehead of the man in the bed. She observed that the man did, indeed, still have a fever and was still clammy to the touch. She did not think he had gotten much better, although he had been bed-ridden for two days. Mary felt the anxiety rise inside her chest again, as she worried about the fate of her dear one.


	7. Chapter 7

_The story to follow is inspired by the film Becoming Jane. This fiction revolves around Tom Lefroy. It takes place after the failed elopement between Tom and Jane. Tom is currently engaged to Mary Paul._

**Fantasy & Responsibility**

**Chapter 7**

Mary sat impatiently on an uncomfortable chair that was placed beside the large bed that Thomas had been lying in for days now. She couldn't eat, or sleep properly, or even read to pass the time. She couldn't stop her barrage of dark anxious thoughts. They were swirling in her head, trying to convince her that Thomas was not going to recover from this fever. That she would indeed lose her dear one and end up all alone. Mary couldn't help but shiver at the thought. She felt frustrated that there was no more that she could do, so she just sat and waited. And waited. She heard the ticking of the clock, she heard the twittering of the birds beyond the window, and the sound of rustling in the hall. She had blocked all of these distractions, and had been listening to Thomas breath. Each breath was still laboured and slow.

Mary was trying to calm herself by listening to each inhale and exhale. But, it continued to overwhelm her. When Mary thought she could not take this waiting anymore, she heard him let out a painful moaning sound. Mary noticed that he was tossing and turning in the bed. What had previously been a clammy forehead was now completely drenched in sweat. Mary rose quickly to obtain a basin with cold water and a cloth. She applied the cool cloth to his burning forehead in attempt to ease this spike in his fever. Mary was muttering soft reassuring sounds to Thomas. She was hoping that he would hear her voice and know she was still there. She was hoping to ease his pain... somewhat.

Mary put the cloth in the basin of cold water, and then reapplied it to Thomas' soaking skin. He let out another horrendous moan, but this time his eyes had fluttered open. Mary's arms flung out as she embraced her dear one tightly. She could feel the desperate heat of his body. She could feel each laboured breath on her cheek. She heard Thomas try to speak, so she sat up slowly. Thomas' eyes were still very glazed and he was not actually looking at her. She heard him try to speak again. She thought it sounded like 'Jane'. But, Mary could not be sure. She did not know anyone named Jane. She must have misheard him. But, he had muttered again and she knew she heard him properly this time. Mary was sure that Thomas had just told her "I love you... Jane".


End file.
